i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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