You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Randomize
