My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
