Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.