she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
