oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
