God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
