i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
