When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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