Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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