i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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