god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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