I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
