My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
