FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
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Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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