i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
