God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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