Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
