Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
