Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
