Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
