One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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