if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
