I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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