My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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