I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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