dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
