Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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