now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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