Will you blow on my dice?
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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