Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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