What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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