I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
