I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS