If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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