Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
