Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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