I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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