Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
my being single is dangerous.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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