Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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