I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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