I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
