what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
