I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
