Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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