Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
