peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.