Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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