I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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