tell your sister to shave her snatch
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
