hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
