you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
