im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize