I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
